How to Date a Difficult Man

How to Date a Difficult Man

We can’t control who we fall in love with. Try as we might, romantic feelings still creep up on us even when we’re fighting them tooth and nail. If you find yourself in a relationship with a man who’s less than easygoing, master the art of dealing with him in order to ultimately have the relationship you want.

STEP 1

Decide if the difficulty is worth it. You may feel invigorated by the challenge of dating someone who can be difficult at times. You may also feel burdened and brought down by your man. You’ll need to weigh both sides and determine if the relationship is worth working through.

STEP 2

Speak up for yourself. Just because he’s difficult doesn’t mean that you have to be passive and deny your own feelings or viewpoints. Whether you’re having a full-on argument or just a friendly debate, don’t back down if you feel strongly about something.

STEP 3

Refuse to tolerate partial relationships. If your man wants to take a step back and casually date or be friends after you’ve been dating for a long time, or he suggests that you should have an open relationship, don’t simply agree because you’re afraid of losing him. Unless you’re completely okay with a major change in your relationship, don’t sacrifice your own needs. It’s not often that relationships like this work out in the end, so try to not hang onto the hope and in the process compromise yourself.

STEP 4

Fight the urge to cater to his every need. Doting on a man who isn’t nearly as attentive towards you won’t make him fall in love with you. Instead, he may start taking you for granted.

STEP 5

Know how long to put in work and when to get out. No matter how much you love and want the man you’re dating, you have to put yourself first and consider your well-being. If you find out that he simply doesn’t want the same things that you do, it may be best to cut your losses and look for someone who is better for you.

STEP 6

Stop analyzing him, I know he’s an orphan, his mother left him when he was three; his wife cleaned him out, yada, yada, yada. Although it’s sad and your heart goes out to him, if he dumped you or sees other women behind your back, etc., his traumas are no reason to accept his bad unloving treatment of you. The damage he incurs by other people in his past could be targeted towards you, if it doesn’t go untreated. Although it is beneficial to understand the reason behind the inconsistent rejecting behavior, if you use it to rationalize his bad treatment of you you’re setting yourself up for a wasting a lot of precious time on a man who’s just not going to come through for you.
If a man is in a deep committed relationship with you, with a future and has a traumatic past then it’s appropriate to feel sorry for him and be empathetic and understanding. However, if he’s hurting or traumatizing you, refer him to a shrink and wish him luck.

STEP 7 
I understand how much you may want to be in love and how much you adore the man you’re seeing, but if he starts playing head games with you and is not genuine and authentic about wanting a serious relationship with you:
Remember that you will squander time which can be detrimental and even self destructive if you are in your childbearing years, and want a family.
Every breakup is a trauma so the longer you stay with him the longer it will take you to recover.

If a man breaks up with you and wants to just stay friends or have a partial relationship, the relationship will most likely not go anywhere, or completely deteriorate. Get out. Drop him. Don’t let him waste your time, traumatizing you for the next man who’s out there, who may be genuinely looking for a relationship and not a narcissistic man who is wasting your time with a self serving arrangement that he wants at his convenience.

Why I'M 29 & still Single: the Ugly Truth

Why I’m 29 & Still Single: the Ugly Truth

July  
Why do I SAY I’m still single?

 “Because I’m too fabulous to settle.”

 “Because I’m waiting for God to bring me the right man.”

 “Because there are still things I’m meant to accomplish as a single woman!”

The truth is…I don’t know exactly why I’m still single. I think I’m starting to come to a better understanding of why…but for the moment; it’s still just shadowed and blurry truth that I’m struggling to make sense of. But the reasons I often convince myself why I’m still single aren’t pretty.

Clearly, some of you, myself and most of my friends are single because they choose to be. They are simply not interested in being in a serious relationship at this time in their life. Others are single due to the circumstances of their lives. They may have just gotten out of a meaningful relationship or have dated relentlessly and just haven't found someone with whom they're truly compatible.

These could be the reasons why am 29 and still single:

     Protecting my heart from more heart breaks:

Most of us have had our own share of heart breaks and with time and all the painful experiences, we all build up varying degrees of bitterness and decide to defend our hearts no matter what, so personally have become increasingly self-protective and closed off. So I often write people off. A guy I related with for just 3 weeks texted me this morning as I was writing this post, calling me names, a lioness and a very harsh woman, i chose to ignore his texts and calls... but I choose to be that because I do not what to give myself and end up heartbroken and I am sure most of you agree with.

I also know of people that their being single is because of their upbringing for example, some were raised by parents or caretakers who were negligent or cold, so they grow up feeling distrusting of affection. They feel suspicious of people who show "too much" interest in them and instead seek out relationships that recreate dynamics from their past. It’s the reason most choose partners who are always cold or distant.

      Pickiness:

Being self-protective has left me feeling pickier and more judgmental. Most of you do agree that this is true especially after all the bad experiences we have all had. Deceived or rejected by that person we had strong feelings for. Thus the thought, "There are no decent men out there" or "All the good ones are taken."

So I am single because may be I have unrealistic expectations for a partner or I pinpoint weaknesses from the moment I meet someone. So because of this I tend to write off a range of potential partners before even giving them a chance.

      Fear of Competition:

The fear of competition often comes from low self-esteem and I am one of the most confident women you will ever meet but again, we all have our insecurities. It's easy to put ourselves down in relation to others, especially when it comes to dating. When we meet someone we like, it's all too easy to think, "He/she could do better." When we see that someone else is interested in the person we like, we may be quick to back away. We may feel unwilling to compete, particularly as we get older, and we start to have self-attacks like "You're time has passed, you're too old for this." Our fears of competition can lead us to avoid putting ourselves out there. We may be afraid of looking like a fool or of not being chosen. 

We may even have fears about winning the competition, thinking we will "hurt the other person's feelings" or that our success will result in aggression from the loser. The simple truth is: dating is competitive. It is scary to take a chance and go for what we want and compete, but when we do, we most often find it is well worth it to face our fears. We end up with a stronger sense of self, and we increase our chances of creating a relationship with the partner we really desire.

Are any of you afraid of competition like I am; now you know why you still single.

      

      

      Rule-making:

As years pass, we often develop rule-books for ourselves regarding dating. In effect, we put what we have learned "down on paper," but what looks good on paper doesn't always work in real life. When we act on rules based on our past, we can create a perpetual cycle of disappointing relationships.

Staying open is one of the most important things we can do when looking for a loving partner. Yes, we might get hurt but when we stop taking risks, we reduce our chances of meeting someone we could really have a future with. 

Relationship rules tend to go hand-in-hand with game-playing. They can lead us to act with less sincerity and authenticity, to close ourselves off from how we feel. On the other hand, staying open and honest will lead us to find a much more authentic and substantial relationship.

Are there any 29 year olds like me that are still single? Feel free to use the comment section below to voice your own fears, share your story, agree, disagree, scream, yell, cry…whatever you need to do.

Love,
Winnie

When It's not meant to be...

When It’s Just Not Meant to Be

How do you know if the end of your relationship is the right thing for you?

It is absolutely possible to be in a happy, fun, and beneficial relationship with someone only to have it end. Of course, you could also be in a horrible, stressful, and traumatic relationship, and end it yourself. I’ve been fortunate enough in my time to experience both ends of the spectrum, and much of the in-between.

There are thousands of different scenarios that can play out when dealing with relationship dynamics and it can get confusing. Our lives get extremely complicated on their own, then we go and throw someone else into the mix, and now we’ve got ourselves a rodeo.

 “Meant to be,” can be defined as either entering a long term commitment, getting married, or spending the rest of your life with someone. After that point, a whole new dynamic occurs, but what happens when it all falls short of that marker? In order to get beyond the doubt, confusion, and questions, we’ve got to break it all down.

The Three Paths of the End

With the exception of death, in the simplest manner a relationship can only end in three different ways:

•       You give up, check out, or end it.
•       They give up, check out, or end it.
•       Both of you give up, check out, or end it together.

At first, these may seem obvious, but which of the three paths was taken is a very important detail. For instance, if it was you who ended the relationship, you have your reasons (or doubts) behind that decision as a starting place to move on. With that information, you can now work on doing what’s right for you.

If it was them, then there is little to nothing you can do about. In the worst case, you can stalk their every move and try to win them back, but that’s only going to make you push them further away. Yes, there are some instances when people do get back together, but we’ll have to save that craziness for another time. So, you’ve killed some time stalking, but eventually you finally realize that you can get started doing what’s right for you.

If the two of you decide together, well, congratulations. You are part of the elite members of society who are mature, responsible, and able to truly see how sometimes being apart can be the best situation for the two people. Now both of you can work towards doing what’s right for each of yourselves and move on.

Notice the recurring theme with each of the three instances? No matter how or why, the most beneficial move you can make is to work on yourself, and get to a better place (mentally and physically).

But I Still Want To Know Where Things Went Wrong!

All right, I get it. Even though having some sort of idea as to why it happened is not the most important thing to focus on, it can help in some cases. With that said, there could be a few reasons (of many) why the two of you didn’t last.

First off, this person just may not be for you (or you for them). A great relationship is built on a number of different attributes and values, and not everyone we date or enter a relationship with is going to have them all. That is not to say we aren’t good people, friends, or even partners, but it does speak for where we line up with respect someone else’s morals, ideals, beliefs, expectations, and preferences.

Lack of experience with dating and relationships can also play a part. The outcome may be due to your/their level of experience with the entire relationship process itself. Not to discredit “love at first sight,” or high-school sweethearts marrying, but without a proper knowledge of how different relationships work with different types of people, the less and less is going to be known about what it is that makes a partnership great.

Another problem area many of us run into is when we settle. Settling for less is the root cause for resentment. They may be A, B, and C, to us and have D, E, F, and G going for them, but what about the other 19 letters of the alphabet? They’re all important to the English language, just as all of what we want out of another person is important to our happiness. Accepting anything less than what you want can turn around to bite you in the ass someday.

I’ve purposely left out lying, manipulation, infidelity, control issues, abuse, and a laundry list of other reasons on purpose. They are a whole different ball game and tend to be rooted in some variation of a psychological defect. Also, as a current or former partner/spouse, it’s not your job to play therapist. If they aren’t open to seeking the right kind of help in this regard, then you have your cue to hit the road and never look back.

Where You Can Go From Here

While the dust still hasn’t settled, it may be hard to see ahead for some time. I’d like to share with you a few ideas which helped me greatly to solve some serious issues in my life, and really overcome some of those tough questions and concerns. Working on refining these areas of your own life will have a major impact on your mindset, well-being, and mean the difference between dealing with disaster or finding a favorable place to start.

Define your goals. To ever be sure about someone else, you have to be sure of yourself first. Who are you? What do you want? Get your thoughts, mindset, hopes, dreams, and goals in check. The more clear and defined you are about you, the easier it makes the entire process. It also enables you to get on the right path to find yourself, and eventually someone better.

Don’t mistake emotion for logic. This is probably one of the hardest feats to accomplish. Emotion and logic go together like oil and water. Feelings have a powerful way of hijacking us, overriding all forms of reason and rational thinking. Just think about that last big argument you had, what was running the show? Emotion or logic? There are a variety of strategies to deal with ourselves in this manner. One of the easiest is to step outside of yourself and take a birds-eye look at the situation at hand.

See your situation for what it is. Often times if things don’t work out, we end up hurt, lonely, depressed and wondering why. It stings. And for anyone who’s ever had their “heart broken,” you know exactly why that phrase was coined. One of the most important things you can do is learn to see your circumstance for what it is. Only then will you be able to make the decision to stay on course and continue to hurt, or change direction and start anew.

I am proud to say that through all the ups and downs I’ve been through, I am grateful. And if I can be this way, I know you can be, too. I’ve used each experience in my personal life as either a support system (while it lasted), or a stepping stone (when it ended) to learn from and grow. One of the biggest things to realize and take away here is that if it’s not meant to be, that’s actually a good thing.

Think about it.

Why would you spend your time and energy (your life) working toward or for someone who doesn’t afford you the same in return?

Now I’d like to pass it on to you. Have you ever tried to make a relationship work to no avail? How long did it take to realize it was over? Yo can share your experiences in the comment section.

Four ways to cure your broken heart

4 Ways to Cure Your Broken Heart:

Why Chase you... I'm the catch...

There is no question about it: In the days following a breakup, you are likely to be in your most vulnerable state. Essentially, you are the equivalent of a piece of glass that has broken into a million little slivers. If you try to quickly put the pieces back together in any old fashion, you may hurt yourself more. In the past and each time it happens, i refer to my notes, that follow;

CURE 1:  LET YOURSELF FEEL BROKEN BUT REALIZE YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. 

Repeat after me, right this second: I AM NOT BROKEN. Now go shout it from the rooftop! Listen, I know it hurts. Like a mother ******! You are going to feel like crap. For a while. Then you are going to start to feel better. And then you are going to feel like crap. Again. You might want to curl up into the fetal position and cry for days. You will sleep until your back hurts from sleeping so much and only stop when you realize you don’t want to sleep your life away. So cry yourself a river, and then get on with it. You are stronger than you think!

CURE 2:  COME TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR EX IS STUNAD.

Clearly, your ex is stunad—more commonly known as stupid. So what if he went to Harvard! Anyone who doesn’t recognize what a prize you are is displaying considerable evidence of stupidity. There is a common denominator among stunad exes. They are selfish, immature, and see the world only from their eyes. They think more about what they want than what is good for you and the relationship as a whole. They are usually poor communicators who never really understand their emotional needs—let alone your emotional needs. With a stunad, you never really feel understood or taken care of. You know your ex is stunad if he purposely waits hours to answer your text messages, barely calls, and frequently breaks plans. He may not want to make your relationship official, and he probably has the potential to leave you at the altar. Oh, and he is most likely selfish in bed. Not very appealing, huh? If you met your ex now and knew his true stunad colors, you would run faster than a NY minute, right? He’s wrong. You’re right.  Your relationship is done. End of story.

CURE # 3: DO MORE THAN JUST PUT A BAND-AID ON IT. 

When it comes to breakups, there really are no quick fixes. You can’t just put a Band-Aid on this junk and expect it to heal. In other words, when you have fully comprehended that your ex is stupid, you are ready to go deeper and fight for your recovery! Yes, recovery, because your ex is toxic. Are you wondering if your ex was really like poison? Well, do you feel that the relationship was unbalanced—with you giving a lot more than you were receiving? No wonder you feel depleted. Look in the mirror. Are you the same as you were when you started seeing your ex? If the relationship did not make you a better person, it drained you in some way. Did it rob you of your confidence? Kill your motivation? Make you complacent? Cause you to have trust issues? Leave you thinking that being man-less for the rest of your life isn’t such a bad idea after all? Oh, girl, your pain is very real. Do the dirty work of embracing your core issues, learn the lessons your failed relationship brought, and keep it moving!

CURE 4: COMPLETE WITH FOOD, FAMILY, & FASHION

The days after a breakup are the ideal time to adopt the Kampala definition of “the good life.” good food and drinks! There’s no better moment to live a laid-back life of enjoyment! And you should look beautiful and fashionable while doing it! Look your best—especially when you are feeling your worst. Feeling beautiful can start from the outside, and looking hot is the best revenge. Your heart is hurting enough, and the last thing you need is a growling stomach. So feed yourself with the best of food and wine your money can buy. With friends, family, and all those people who are not your cousins that you call your cousins. Live it up!