Signs you are dating Mr. Unavailable: Traumatic Love

Signs you are dating Mr. Unavailable: (Traumatic Love)

Have you ever met someone who “romantically” knocked you off your feet, well I have… you run to your girl friends, you’re not going to believe this, but I just met the man of my dreams!” But, sadly, a few months later, your conversation changed to, “I can’t believe he turned out to be so emotionally unavailable, and commitment-phobic.”

We have all met and dated men who, at first, seemed so perfect for a warm, loving relationship. But after those same “in love” people took off their rose colored glasses, we realized the person we thought was Mr. Right was really Mr. Wrong. And you may keep wondering, how did I not recognize this? How did I miss the obvious warning signs before we became intimate and gave my heart away?

Answer: it’s so easy to become intoxicated during that early infatuation stage when you meet someone who fits your pictures and seems like the perfect match. (“He’s so good-looking,” or “He has an exciting personality! Or “he’s so hot in bed!” or “He wants the same thing I want: to settle down and have children.”)

For those of us who’ve been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, we know the pain of not being able to get close to the person we love.

Men can be unavailable for both healthy and unhealthy reasons. They may have suffered through a troubled childhood experience that has wounded them or they now have higher priorities such as their career or taking care of a sick parent, then, there are those who are too afraid of taking the risk of falling in love because they have been hurt too much in their previous relationships.

 Here are the signs you are dating a person who is not ready for a committed relationship with you. If your man fits all these, it may be time to ask yourself why you’re still in a relationship with him. Are you really serious about wanting to be in a committed relationship?

Sexually Fast. Beware of a person who wants to become sexually familiar quickly. Often they are seducers just looking for another conquest. Or, if they are over-focused on sex it may be because they don’t feel they have anything else to offer. Once the relationship becomes too intimate, they’ll cut and run.

A Real Charmer. If he is quick to flatter and compliment you without really knowing you. Often these people “do” charming as opposed to “being”. It’s a well-rehearsed act. Their focus is on short-term intimacy, appearing to be open, revealing and vulnerable. In reality they prefer the chase to the catch.

Complains about Past Relationships. In a discussion about their past relationships, they will degrade their former partners. Their relationship break-ups are never because of their behavior or the problems they created. The failures of their unsuccessful partnerships are always based on the faults of their exes. They lack the maturity to take responsibility for their mistakes in their past relationships.

Can’t Pass the Screen for Intimacy. Make sure to probe a new person to find out why past long-term relationships did not work and ended. Ask questions to determine whether failure occurred because of their inability to develop intimacy or other issues that would give you pause for concern.

How They Treat Others. Especially when out in public with them, notice whether they treat others with kindness or contempt. For example, if they are rude to a waiter, conductor, boda man or taxi driver, it may be indicative of their pent-up anger. This is a signal that they are a demanding and emotionally abusive people who will one day turn their anger on you.

Their Character. Avoid someone with a big ego, filled with arrogance, who tries to win favor by bragging about who they are or what they have. This is a red flag that signals their low self-esteem and lack of emotional health. Emotionally healthy people who have done some sort of personal development, by contrast, show a quiet confidence that says they can be intimate and committed despite their flaws.

Watch Out for Perfectionists. Emotionally unavailable people tend to be perfectionists, always looking for the fatal flaw or character defect that gives them permission to exit a relationship and move on. In reality, they are injured by their own self-criticism and fear of being rejected. They are so frightened of intimacy that eventually they’ll find an excuse for leaving a relationship.

Self-Centered Behavior. Beware of someone who operates the relationship as if it should revolve around them. These individuals set the agenda for a relationship, control it, and won’t be inconvenienced by having to modify their routine or the plans they’ve made. This type of emotionally unavailable person is commitment-phobic, and not relationship-oriented. They are inflexible and detest having to compromise.

Elusive Conduct. They seem to be available only when convenient for them. Your requests for more time with them are met with excuses about how hard they’re working or how tired they feel. Even after a seemingly intimate weekend, they can disappear for long periods with no regular contact. Their actions are unrelated with their words. It’s easy for them to utter an “I love you,” and then act in a way that is unloving.

So friends, you have this one life that will pass by quicker than you could ever imagine. Don’t spend it chasing, empathizing with and trying to understand someone to the point that you feel bad about you. Ever. It’s like sticking your head in the toilet and complaining about the smell. Get real about his actions and get behind you. You may be in temporary pain but you know what? You aren’t alone and you will come out on the other end with your dignity and a new-found self respect. Don’t continue to or engage in a relationship with anyone that forces you to question your sanity and worth.

You are worth so much more.